Mr. Throng I'm a 35-year-old woman, and I've been involved with a guy around my age for almost two years. It's been "open." Well, that is, he's had the freedom to sleep with other people. I haven't wanted to. I finally realized that I am not happy with this …Read more. Ben Hurry I'm a woman in my 40s, and I've been happily married for 22 years. Unfortunately, my husband and I have never been very compatible sexually. I had read so much Cosmo in college that I believed sex was something we could work on. Well, he is quick in …Read more. Shove Hurts I've spent hundreds of dollars on a relationship coach, who instructed me to cut off all sex and even all contact with the guy I was dating until he agreed to marry me. I knew he loved me and wanted to marry me; I just wanted him to do it faster. …Read more. Livid And Let Livid You responded to a woman who was very proud of herself for leaving the room to compose herself when she got really angry with her boyfriend. It is very unhealthy to stuff your anger. Why would you give this terrible advice — encouraging her …Read more.more articles
Shove Thy Neighbor
My commitment-phobic boyfriend of several years is also my neighbor. I resolved to make it work with him and then caught him on FriendFinder exchanging numerous messages with some woman in Tijuana. He claimed he was just being friendly. I asked if he'd correspond with a guy. He responded, "No. I'm not gay." Humiliatingly, I've let him use me for things he can't afford. (He's been unemployed for two years.) He sometimes showers at his tiny apartment but basically uses it for storage. He refuses to move in with me so we could pay expenses with money his grandma gives him for his rent, but he spends all his time at my place (where I pay for everything). He partakes of my cable TV, Internet, food, and beer, and he even eats food I buy specially for my 9-year-old son. Well, he's now my ex-boyfriend. As he's been many times before. What's with him? Is talking to some random woman on the Internet worth losing everything over? — Fuming
Feminists have hammered into us girls that we aren't supposed to sit around dreaming of being rescued by some prince. Somehow, I don't think the alternative's supposed to be opting for the mooch neighbor who eats your kid's food while using your DSL to talk to some chiquita in Tijuana.
Reality, like angry little dogs, often bites. Every day, I wake up wishing for home-invasion housecleaners. But, as much as both Nature and I abhor a vacuum, at a certain point, I have to pull one out, lest my rugs provide shelter to a lot of little things with a lot of little legs. You, likewise, can pretend you've found Prince Charming, but that won't transform your Parasite Charming (not even if you throw both hands into the air and say "Poof!" six or seven times, very energetically).
Why do you keep taking him back? You're probably engaging in "future discounting," an econ term explaining how we're prone to forgo big benefits down the road for a small immediate reward. It helps to recognize that you'll be tempted to go for the quick fix. You'll be lonely some night and want a snuggle, rationalize all the reasons he isn't so bad after all, and before you know it, there'll be a familiar barnacle attaching itself to the beer tap on your hull.
To avoid backsliding, don't rely on yourself to gin up self-control in the moment; use tricks like "precommitment" to your goal, a strategy originated by Nobel Prize-winning economist Thomas Schelling and recommended by Dr. Roy Baumeister and John Tierney in their book, "Willpower." Precommitment involves setting things up in advance so it's hard to cheat.
I've been delighted and humbled by my interactions with this girl who goes to my favorite coffee shop. She is in a band and probably has lots of dates and fans, but I keep picturing us together, and not just sexually — making dinner, going on hikes, doing little couple-y things. I'm not sure why she'd want to go out with me, but I can't stop thinking about her. — Fixated
It's the teenage fangirl approach to being a man. (Are your bedroom walls plastered with photos of her that you took while pretending to check your phone?) Here you are imagining this woman running slow-motion through a field of daisies into your arms. The reality: She's walking out of the coffee shop, probably without giving you a second thought. Yes, she might be out of your league. There's a way to know for sure in seconds, and it's by asking her out. Pining over a woman transforms her from a person to an unapproachable ideal. The more you grow your fantasy girl the more impossible it'll be for you to speak to the real deal. If you want an imaginary something in your life, have an imaginary goldfish. Should things go badly, you could make it die an imaginary death and flush it down your imaginary toilet.
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com). Alkon is the author of "I See Rude People: One Woman's Battle To Beat Some Manners Into Impolite Society."
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It's Advice Goddess Radio! Amy Alkon answers your questions on love, dating, sex, relationships, and manners. Listen live every Sunday from 7-8 p.m. Pacific time, or download the podcast at the link. The call-in number during the show is 347-326-9761. This week, evolutionary sexpert Dr. Catherine Salmon cuts through the political correctness on sex, porn, and “gender.”