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Dim And Her
I'm having a whirlwind romance with a man I met online on Thanksgiving. I moved across the country to live with him on December 20, and we're now building a life together. The problem is I have a high IQ (137), and he's very unintelligent and …Read more.
Shove Thy Neighbor
My commitment-phobic boyfriend of several years is also my neighbor. I resolved to make it work with him and then caught him on FriendFinder exchanging numerous messages with some woman in Tijuana. He claimed he was just being friendly. I asked if …Read more.
Code Goo
I'm a 33-year-old nurse in a five-month "friends with benefits" thing with a doctor co-worker. I am only 18 months out of an abusive 10-year relationship and wanted something fun and light. We get along well, but he rarely asks me ahead …Read more.
Witchful Thinking
I'm a retired pastor in my 50s. A nearby church wanted my help with their Christmas musical, and I asked my wife of five years, who played bass at my church, to join me. She became angry at this suggestion and said I should do my own thing on …Read more.
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Boy Meeks GirlRecently, you wrote about "female flirting moves recognized across cultures" — smiling, making eye contact and looking away, toying with hair or objects, and touching a guy's arm. I disagree about them being "recognized." Female employers have made eye contact and even smiled, but that didn't mean they wanted a romantic relationship. If a woman toys with an object, it usually means she's restless and will soon tell me she has somewhere else to be. As for arm-touching, once, when I was on the phone with an auto insurance agent, a receptionist tapped my hand to remind me to mention something. In contrast, when I met my former girlfriend, she grabbed me in such a way that she clearly let me know where I stood with her. Perhaps I'm the only guy missing these signals; then again, I don't like riddles. I'm too shy to pursue a woman, so unless she makes some big move, we end up going our separate ways. — Dateless A girl practically has to sexually assault you to tell you she's interested — or, as you put it, "grab" you in such a way that she "clearly" lets you know where you stand. Um…either she wants to be your girlfriend or your urologist? These flirting moves are human universals, meaning women around the world do these things when they're attracted to a guy; it's not like women bang pots and pans together in China. They are typically subconscious signals for both the sender and receiver, and a woman will generally send more than one if her desire goes beyond helping you save a bundle on your car insurance. While most men aren't keeping a running tally of a woman's flirting moves, humans who aren't on the autism spectrum have a capacity called "theory of mind." This is a sort of mind-reading — an ability to guess what's somebody's feeling by observing their body language. If some man's red-faced and flipping you off, you know he probably isn't longing to buy you a steak dinner. If a woman's "toying with an object" — say, frantically jiggling the locked doorknob of the supply closet you're both stuck in — it's safe to assume she wants to go out, but probably not on a romantic, candlelit date with you. If you can't hear what a woman's body language is telling you, it's probably because the loudest sound in the room is your low opinion of yourself.
You are free to wait for that rare woman who will grab you like she cares — and wait and wait, because she'll probably be the lady who's paid to roll you over at The Home. The more you avoid what you're afraid of, the more you ingrain avoidance as your personal operating system and datelessness as your lot in life. If you really are signal-deaf, don't hit on women in your workplace, but hit on women everywhere else. There's no need to log hair-twirls; there's just finding a woman attractive and being man enough to chance 10 seconds of feeling foolish if she says no when you ask her out. Remember, dating's a numbers game. You could be the biggest worm ever to wriggle the planet, but if you try enough women, one of them will eventually be blind enough, drunk enough, or deluded enough to say yes. Appease And Carats My fiance broke off our engagement. The ring was his mother's. She's left messages, asking to talk — probably about the ring, which my ex accused me of "hijacking." That bothers me, as does knowing the ring was never really mine. Friends are telling me to keep it. — Miffed Think of the ring like the toilet in your apartment — something that's all yours, but not to take with you as a keepsake when you move on. Because it's jewelry, it seems like a gift, but it's really a symbol of the marriage to come. If nothing's to come, the ring should come off and find its way back to its original owner. Yeah, your fiance was a jerk. And it's tempting, when people are jerks, to jerk back — which means letting who you are be dictated by others instead of living by your own standards. If you're just looking to keep the thing, be honest about it. Otherwise, maybe be glad you're only removing a ring, not looking for a tattoo artist who does decent enough cat and mouse heads to turn "Tom and Kerry Forever" into "Tom and Jerry Forever." Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com) COPYRIGHT 2009 AMY ALKON DIST. BY CREATORS.COM
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